I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My ass is underappreciated
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
