No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
