How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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