You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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