OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
