this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
