She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
