This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
