Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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