I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I need water and some morals
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
