so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Who wears a wallet chain?!
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
