Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
