turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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