I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My pussy is not your playground.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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