are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
