I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
