If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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