peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
