He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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