I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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