i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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