Grow some girl-balls and come out already
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Are these your boobs on my camera?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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