That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
