i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize