i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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