You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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