Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
