Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
