You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
