I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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