I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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