Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
