Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
soo... how was my night?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
