Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
