So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
