I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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