we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
