So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
