I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
