Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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