Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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