I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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