that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
