How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
