at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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