I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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