so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
one might say we're banned from that church
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize