a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
