I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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