mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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