I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
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