member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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