he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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