Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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