OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
