it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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