Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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