I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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