I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
