I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
