It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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