My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize