woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
