I wish my penis had an off switch
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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